The Beginning of a Hard Thing

Dear Self,

So Love just told you he’s struggling with depression. Wow. What do you even begin to do with that? You’ve only been married a little over a year, you both have come so far and grown so much in learning how to love each other well and tackle your own selfish junk that inevitably surfaces in such close relationship, but nothing has really prepared you for this. I know what you’re thinking; you’re remembering back to that girl you barely knew who killed herself in highschool. You’re remembering back to the friend who called you depressed in college. You’re remembering back to the college roommate diagnosed with bipolar who chose not to take her meds or get help but was a constant worry to you about the danger she might be to herself. And now your husband of less than two years shares he’s struggling with wanting to end his life. Dear one, let’s just take a moment to let the gravity of this emotion sink in.

I want you to know some things. First, fear is normal. Anxiety is normal. Not even knowing what to feel or how to feel it is also normal. This is treading in largely uncharted territory that few really know how to talk about. Second, it’s not your job to fix him, to keep him safe, to make sure he’ll be alright every moment of every day – that’s not humanly possible. Third, this is not your fault. It’s not because you’re not a “good enough wife” or because you didn’t “catch it early” or because your life is too boring. So take a deep breath. No, really, right now, take a long…deep…breath. I’ll wait.

Here are a couple more things you should know. First, depression can happen to anyone, any place, at any time. It’s a different reality, but it’s exactly that – a reality to the person living in it. Love is used to living in a state where life and it’s normal ups and downs impact him much more drastically. People with depression don’t know how to regulate the bottom end of their emotions – the bad is as bad as it can get even if all they’ve done is dropped a fork. Love is currently seeing every failure, every mistake, as the ultimate cardinal sin – unforgivable because it is imperfection. And because he isn’t perfect, the “logical” answer to that is death. You and I can see the flaw in that reasoning, but he can’t, and what he needs more than anything right now is for you to encourage him and build him up in as many ways as you are able. He won’t believe you most of the time, but it still helps to hear a perspective contrary to the incessant deriding voice he’s trying to escape in his own head.

Second, Love is not your past experiences. He is his own unique person with his own unique set of personality quirks, but there is a reason you have chosen him to be the most significant, intimate person in your life. He has a strength that is unmatched by anyone else you know, and that strength is what will carry him through this incredibly hard journey. That’s not to say he’ll always seem strong, and that’s not to say he won’t need your shoulder to lean on many days, but it IS to say that the strength he has demonstrated by even admitting he is struggling and needs help, will be the same strength that will propel him forward to do hard things like meet with a doctor, go to counseling, take his meds, and be honest with you about how he’s doing. He is not your past experiences – trust the person you know him to be. 

Third, you are not Love’s savior. Now more than ever, he needs you to be strong, loving, and stable. But you cannot be any of those things if you don’t first care for yourself. It is so easy for you to give until you are empty and then keep giving until you have drained yourself dry. You love deeply, and love Love most of all. But you, dear one, will have to learn to not meet every need you think he has. You will have to learn that some nights it’s okay to let him go off by himself and feel depressed while you go off by yourself and recharge. You will have to learn that sometimes you need to be the weak one, and if he can’t be the strong one then you both just have to be okay being weak together. There will be the ache of your pain meeting his pain in a way that makes you feel selfish for needing something he can’t give. Embrace that ache and recognize it is part of the human experience – not a flaw in him or a flaw in you but just the reality of imperfect life meant to draw our heart’s longing ever more toward the perfection we were made to one day enjoy. You cannot be all things for him, but you can love him well and give yourself space to be the best wife you can be in each moment.

Finally, settle in for a long journey. Depression and any mental illness is not like the flu. You don’t treat it, get over it, and move on with your life. Depression has been a part of Love’s life for a long time, it’s just now coming to the surface and receiving a name. And depression will continue to be a part of Love’s (and now your) life for as long as you each are alive. It will get better. I promise you, it WILL get better! And each step on the journey will move you closer to the new, healthy normal for you both. But this is not a temporary thing – this is your new normal. So settle in for the long haul, take care of yourself, and recognize you will be learning and growing in ways you never thought possible. This journey can push you further apart or draw you closer together; you can each embrace the opportunity to learn more about yourself and the other person or choose to shrink from that exposure in fear. This may feel so overwhelming you don’t know what to do with it, but don’t let that emotion paralyze you. Remember, Love is the person you love most in all the world. Press in and love him all the more in this, and allow him to love you more too.

Dear one, you are at the beginning of this long, hard, beautiful, heartbreaking, depressing, joyous journey. And yes, it will often feel like ALL those things at the same time. Give yourself grace, give Love grace, and take this one step at a time. I promise it has the potential to be the best and most beautiful thing you have experienced in your relationship to this point.