Learning to Share My Heart

When I started this blog I had high hopes of publishing at least once a month. What I didn’t anticipate was how hard it would be to actually put my heart and experiences down on paper. It’s one thing to have an idea for something, it’s quite another to make it a reality.

After publishing my first post I have struggled a lot with knowing what to follow it with. I spent six months crafting, editing, and birthing that first post – it truly felt like I poured my whole heart and soul into it. In my mind, it was perfect, eloquent, and I have struggled with every post since trying to make it feel as perfect and eloquent as that first one.

The only problem is…being married to someone who is Bipolar is neither “perfect” nor “eloquent”. Oh, Love is perfect for me, and I am so grateful to call him mine. But it is a messy, broken, sometimes confusing, yet also beautiful journey. And any attempt to make it anything other than that seems to fall incredibly flat. 

My first post I wrote from an advisatory role toward my past self, seeking to encourage anyone who may find themselves in similar shoes. The problem with choosing that voice is it can make it seem like I have all the answers – which I certainly do not. I’ve learned a thing or two, and I believe my compassion and understanding for mental health as a whole, and how it touches so many people in various ways, is SO much greater! But I’m still learning. There are still moments I am at a total loss of what to do or how to respond. And still so much about how Love’s particular experience with Bipolar will manifest itself and impact me.

Take a few weeks ago for example. I came home to Love blaring music, doing about ten different things at once, and expressing over-the-top exuberance at having me walk in the door. All the bells and whistles of “mania” were going off in my head but I had no idea what to do. He felt like I was sad that he was happy…and I felt scared that he wasn’t himself.

Neither were true.

And we were able to work through the emotions later and understand what triggered each other in that moment. But that is far more a testament to our strong foundation as a couple rather than any wisdom or expertise on my part. I had to learn, and still every day am learning, how to love him well, care for my own self well, and move toward a more healthy and whole place together as a couple.

So moving forward, dear reader, you should know three things (because I’m good at making lists 😉):

First, the voice of my posts moving forward will probably sound much different than my first post. This is because you get the unique privilege of walking along with me in my journey (as much as I desire to have the privilege of walking along with you in yours) and I’m still learning what it looks like to share my heart in this way. This is new, scary, vulnerable…but also, I believe, so valuable.

Second, I don’t have it all together, and don’t want to ever claim or make it seem like I do. I believe I have knowledge and experience to share, but I also have a lot to learn, and it’s helpful to recognize and acknowledge that.

Lastly, my heart is to bless you, encourage you, and hopefully bring a small amount of hope to you in whatever your situation may be. If you are reading this and it impacts you in some small way at all, it would be my joy to hear from you and have the pleasure of getting to know you. I believe the Lord can use the hardest, most challenging moments in life to give our hearts the deepest, most fullest glimpse of who He is. And if I can be some small part of that process, this blog would have accomplished its goal.

Until next time,

Married to Bipolar